Draw A Circle
by Laburnum Steelfang
Summary: Mostly-comedy drabbles and short fics deanoned from the kinkmeme, collected here for ease of reading. Multiple pairings.
1. Four Legs and Not a Chair

_"If it has four legs and is not a chair, if it has two wings and flies and is not an aeroplane, and if it swims and is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it." -Prince Philip_

"It's not funny!" England snapped, stirring his tea violently as America giggled. "He made me apologise in Chinese, seven times before he was satisfied with my pronunciation. I don't know why he blames me."

"Aw, lighten up, old man!" said America. "We've all dealt with dumb politicians before. You should hear what Bush used to come out with."

To England's great embarrassment, China brought the tea into the living room just in time to hear him say "Philip might have a point. Have you ever seen him cook?"

England jumped as China said flatly "You're sleeping on the couch tonight."

~  
**(The saying in question is allegedly actually used by other Chinese groups to refer to the Cantonese. I think China-the-character would still be annoyed at a Westerner saying it.)**


	2. Engrish

**Kinkmeme de-anon for the request "any of the East Asian countries wearing clothes with Engrish on them, not knowing what the shirt actually means". Another commenter brought up the existence of a shirt like Japan's, and I couldn't resist. Shirts like Korea's are apparently pretty widespread too.**

* * *

Japan didn't often wear casual Western clothes in public, but he was sure the others were staring at his lovely new red sweater far more than was appropriate. France and Canada were whispering together, and he was sure they were pointing at him. Ukraine was sniffling and wiping her eyes, but that was fairly normal for her, so he thought nothing of it until she came up to him, hugged him (not that he minded overmuch since his head was roughly level with her impressive chest) and said "America told me! Please don't, we'll miss you so much!"

"Er, thank you," he said, unsure what for. "I certainly shan't."

Ukraine sniffled with relief, pressed his face into her chest again, and left him gasping for breath and very confused. He ordered a beer, and noticed the other nations in the bar were all watching him. It was offputting.

"Um, Japan, dude, are you okay?" America asked, resting his hand on Japan's shoulder.

"I will be if you stop touching me, please," Japan said, causing America to let go of him as if he was on fire and back off.

"Okay, okay, just ... you know you can always talk to me, right? 'Cos I'm a hero and all." America fled, looking over his shoulder at the baffled Japan.

"Why is everyone staring at me?" Japan whispered to England, who was sitting next to him and attempting to stifle giggles.

"I think I know. Did you buy that jumper at your place?"

"Yes, in Harajuku."

"And you don't read much English, do you?"

"Not very well, I speak it better than I read it. Why?"

England snickered to himself again. "See, this is why we need to actually start learning each other's languages properly." The universal nation-tongue was very useful, but as Japan was now finding out, it had drawbacks. "I think whoever made that shirt was either even worse at English than you or being passive-aggressive."

Japan looked down at his sweater. On it, surrounded by beautifully-drawn roses and a rainbow, were printed the words "I Want To Kill Myself" in large friendly letters. "Why, what's wrong with it?"

Korea provided an unwelcome interruption by bursting into the room in his usual unmistakeable manner, snow melting in his hair. "Big brother! So good to see you!" He waved, then "Hm, it's warmer in here than I thought." He threw off his coat and scarf, and a collective gasp of amusement rose from the room as he exposed his T-shirt, on which was scrawled the word "FUCK".

Korea blinked. "What?"


	3. La Pene De Muerte

**Prompt on the Hetalia kinkmeme: "Because of the high Hispanic population, especially in the Southwest, I think that America speaks Spanish. I also think he sucks ass at it. So I want to see crack or humor about this." I got inspired by an old "F My Life" entry. Enjoy.**

* * *

"Spain? SPAIN! Wake up!"

Spain shot upright in his seat, drool trickling from one corner of his mouth. "Huh? Uh, I agree!"

"You don't even know what we're talking about!" Germany snapped, slapping his papers on the table.

"Sure I do!" protested Spain, still mostly asleep. "Uh ... Global warming?"

"That was an hour ago!" America told him, rolling his eyes. "Now we're talking about the death penalty! _Entiendes? La pene de muerte_?"

There was a pause, and every Spanish-speaking nation at the table burst out laughing.

"What? What did I do?" America asked, blinking behind Texas as Spain fell off his chair, clutching his sides.

"I think you meant _la_ pena _de muerte_," said England, shaking his head and smirking. "That's 'the death penalty'."

"So what did I say?"

Romano, between snickers, choked out "'The penis of death'."

America blushed. The remaining nations started to giggle. Even Japan appeared to be hiding a grin.

"So now we're talking about Russia?" giggled Mexico. "You know what they say, biggest country in the world ..."

"Nah, it's Prussia!" said Cuba. "Gotta be Prussia."

"What?" Prussia looked offended.

"Well, think about it - how much use would five metres actually be?" Hungary said reasonably. "The average human is under two metres tall, so you could kill someone with-"

"Hey, what about that time you beat me unconscious with a strapon? You could have killed me with that thing!"

America groaned and rested his head on the table. Germany rested a hand on his shoulder. "We'll never get back on track now - want to go get a beer and wait for this to blow over?"

America looked up at Germany. "Yeah, okay." As they left the room, he giggled to himself. "'Penis of death'. Yeah, that is pretty funny."

Germany carefully refrained from smirking.


	4. Let's Get Married!

**Kinkmeme request was for a five-way marriage between the Allies for the duration of the war. This technically doesn't fit the fill, but I'll do a followup to it which does - I couldn't resist this scenario.**

* * *

The registrar had always complained that his job was boring. He would never complain about the boredom again, after the strange group walked into his office that day.

They all looked to be in their early twenties, and he could possibly have passed them without a second glance on the street if not for the lead pipe the huge one in the scarf was carrying. At first glance, he saw four men and an Chinese woman in men's clothing. The latter looked slightly embarrassed, as did the blond man with huge eyebrows. The huge one with the pipe was smiling vaguely, the bearded blond was smirking proudly, and the young bespectacled one was smiling like a toothpaste salesman. He breezed up to the desk and said, in an obvious American accent, "Hi, we need to get a marriage form?"

The registrar glanced at the ponytailed Chinese woman, who blushed slightly. "Oh, congratulations, sir and ma'am."

"Ma'am?" yelped the person in question in heavily-accented English. "I'm not a ma'am!"

"I keep saying someone needs a haircut," said the one with the eyebrows smugly. The registrar found himself fascinated by the eyebrows. It looked like two small mice were perched on the man's forehead.

"Oh, sorry! My mistake," chuckled the registrar nervously. "I'm sorry, is the young lady going to be coming in?"

"Um, there's no lady. I mean for us. All five."

The registrar blinked. "Er, sir, I don't think that's legal. This is London, not Utah."

"Hilarious. No, we've got special dispensation from our bosses. It's to help the war effort," said Glasses-And-Grin, not losing his smile.

"Really. Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Only milkshakes."

"I've been drinking," declared Lead Pipe happily, holding up a half-empty bottle of vodka. "Would you like some?"

"I haven't been drinking, but I'm starting to need one," muttered Eyebrows.

"Getting cold feet?" said Beardy, nudging him.

"That implies I ever thought this was a good idea," Eyebrows responded flatly. Ponytail snickered to himself.

"Oh, c'mon, big bro, the alliance needs this!" protested Glasses-And-Grin.

The registrar blinked. "He's your brother ... and you're trying to get married to him ... and to three other people ... all men ... at the same time?"

"Yeah!" said Glasses-And-Grin, his smile widening innocently. "For world peace! So can we have the forms now?"

* * *

"No, Alfred, you can't just peel the bars off the wall. People notice things like that, and we're already just a bit conspicuous."

"I called Matthieu. He says he's not paying our bail."

"I told you you shouldn't ask a human to do the ceremony."

"Shut up, Yao. Ivan, stop smirking."

"Okay, who's next for the one phone call, and who are we calling?"

"I'm not calling my bosses. My human ones don't really get nation relationships and the dragon will just think it's funny."

"It is funny."

"No, Ivan, it really isn't."


	5. In Aqua Veritas

**Kinkmeme deanon, request was for truth potion hijinks. Brief disclaimer: I don't think being transsexual is actually shameful, I just thought it would work on the grounds of being unexpected. And I admit I got inspired by an old and insanely cute fill here with FTM!Italy. (Strictly speaking, "used to be a girl" isn't accurate terminology, but I don't imagine Italy would be very picky about that.) Also, the Korean situation, Dissociative Identity Disorder, hebephilia, Wendigo Syndrome, and narcolepsy are not funny in real life.**

* * *

The conference room fell silent at England's scream of "NOOO, DON'T DRINK THAT!"

Everyone looked at their styrofoam cups in confusion, then at the horrified England. Spain broke the silence. "Why not?"

England ran a hand through his hair and groaned. "I'm afraid I've made rather a mistake. Um, I might have accidentally spiked the water jugs with ... truth serum."

Everyone stared. Spain spoke again. "Why?"

"I didn't_ mean _to! I meant it to go in France's cup, but I was stupid enough to trust one of my fairies to administer it! Little buggers like to play tricks, she dosed every jug instead of just the cup! Now it's too late, you all drank it!"

"Why were you trying to give me truth serum?" France asked indignantly.

"I wanted to ask if you've been stealing roses from my garden again."

"Of course I have!" France said, then blinked. "I meant to say I haven't - but I have - what the ...?"

"Told you."

"There's no such thing as a working truth serum!" protested Cuba. "It doesn't matter what you made me drink, you can't make me admit that I had ice-cream for breakfast- huh?" Amid giggles, he looked at his cup. "On second thoughts, maybe you can."

"Sorry. Magic is like that." England grinned nervously. "Don't worry, I can fix this, just try not to say anything else in the meantime."

Italy blinked at his water cup, then at England. "How is it you can't cook actual food, but you're so good at making magic potions?"

"I _can_ cook!"

"Obviously you didn't take the potion," France snickered.

"Truth potions were invented by me!"

America blinked at Korea. "Really?"

"Uh, from _his_ point of view it's not a lie, so the potion won't block that," England said quietly to him. "Don't make things more complicated by arguing with him." He cleared his throat and addressed the rest of the room. "So it'll take a few hours to wear off on its own, so you might want to be careful. It can't force you to talk, but it tends to make people let their guard down, so you might find yourself spilling something without meaning to."

"I think I'm fairly safe, Italy already tells everyone all my secrets," said Germany with a scowl in Italy's direction. "I should be fine as long as I don't mention that my middle name is still registered as Maria-"

He stopped and blinked, as everyone collapsed in giggles.

"Ludwig _Maria_ Beilschmidt?" snickered America. "Oh, that's rich!"

"What?" Germany snapped. "Back when I picked my human name Maria was quite a common male middle name and I never got round to changing it!"

"Eh, don't feel too bad, mine is Fernandez- dammit!" America blinked and swatted at his mouth as if the truth potion was a fly which could be shooed away, and the crowd's giggling intensified. "I hate you, Spain. Why did England let you pick my middle name?"

South Korea choked back his laughter. "Aheh. Sorry, I shouldn't laugh, that must suck. I can only imagine how I'd feel if I had to tell people North lets me blame my bed-wetting on her in exchange for not telling her bosses we have a penis."

This time, instead of laughter, there was an awkward silence. England stared. "Are you trying to win some kind of prize for most things I didn't want to contemplate in a single sentence?"

Korea's curl sagged. "... Public humiliation totally wasn't invented by me."

China smirked. "I knew it was you."

"Hey, it's not me _every_ time, Mister Hello Kitty Hell!"

"Speaking of your sister, is she bringing the kitty doll again for our next tea party?" Russia asked Korea, without a hint of embarrassment.

"So that's where my kitty went, you thief!" China leapt on Korea and started to strangle him, before being prised off by Japan and Russia. Korea screamed and huddled in the corner. Camera phones flashed around the room.

"Hey, why are you hitting _me?"_ Korea sniffled. "I didn't do anything!"

"Because I'm too angry to wait for North to show up and she'll still have to deal with the bruises when she does!"

America gave Russia a funny look. "Tea party? You're having a doll's tea party?"

"Yes. Would you like to come? I can lend you one of my stuffed animals if you like. I named them after the Baltics."

The Baltics scooted their chairs away from the table in an attempt to get further away from Russia.

"Stop using my stuff for it!" China snapped. "Is that where my kitty teapot went as well?"

America snickered. "What is it with you and Hello Kitty knockoffs?"

China ignored him and continued to rant. "You're stealing my stuff for your doll's tea party and you didn't even invite me-" He clasped his hands over his mouth as the entire room burst out laughing again. "I HATE YOU, OPIUM BASTARD!"

"If it makes you feel any better, I'll tell you my secrets!" Italy piped up.

"We already know you masturbated in the public restroom this morning. I have the tape," said France, holding up his camera phone.

"Actually, I was gonna tell you that I used to be a girl. I'm so glad Mr England helped me out with his magic thingy, it was really hard practicing my boy voice when I was a kid!"

Austria dropped his glasses. Romano buried his face in his hands.

"Your turn, big brother!" Italy declared, ignoring Romano's discomfort. "How about the time you were a teen and you threatened to lie and tell Spain's boss he was bad-touching you so he'd let you stay up late?"

"Backfired, didn't it?" said Spain, patting Romano's lower back. Romano punched him.

"Your turn, Estonia!" said Russia, beaming creepily.

Estonia tried to resist, but the truth potion and the pressure of everyone staring forced the words out of his mouth. "I have 20-20 vision, but I've worn these ever since I found out Lithuania has a glasses fetish-"

Lithuania jabbed a pen into Estonia's hand. "That's not even really _your _secret, you jerk!"

America blushed, grinned, and tapped the frame of his own glasses. "Oh hell yeah. I remember 1920."

Lithuania continued to yell at Estonia. "How about the fact that you hack into everyone's computers for blackmail purposes? Yes, I know it's you!"

"Actually, some of that was me. Estonia showed me how and I was curious."

"Really, Latvia? I thought your worst secret was that you like to call me Mama."

"Please, not in front of Russia!" Latvia sank down in his chair as the crowd howled with laughter.

"It could be worse," Finland said. "One time I was mad at Denmark and I dipped his hairbrush in the toilet."

"You did WHAT?" Denmark yelped.

"Yeah, that was the time you stole my pink handcuffs!"

Everyone in the room joined in, seemingly competing to reveal their secrets while the conversation was loud enough that individual speakers couldn't be easily identified.

"I still suck my thumb!"

"I'm still a virgin because my really religious upbringing traumatised me!"

"I steal from my brother's pot stash!"

"I actually can speak Spanish and I know what you bastards keep calling me when you speak it!"

"Last time I was at England's place I masturbated over his toothbrush and blew my nose on his towel!"

"The walls at Dad and Papa's house are too thin! I can hear _everything!_ I started listening to metal because that's the only thing that drowns it out and I hoped it would annoy them enough to make them stop!"

"I'm the one who put erasers under all Austria's piano strings and blamed it on Prussia!"

"I pick my nose and wipe it under the meeting-room table when nobody's looking!"

"I'm jealous of my sister's boobies!"

"Really? I'm jealous of yours!"

"I listen to the Beatles!"

"M'wife still has to get rid of spiders f'r me."

"I like to set things on fire!"

"Last time I was mad at China I put his phone in the washing machine!"

"I once tried on my brother's underwear! It's actually really comfy."

"I'm in treatment for narcolep-zzzzzzzzzzzzz ..."

"Sometimes I really miss the days when I ate people."

England stood up, slamming his fists on the table hard enough to wake Greece up. "ENOUGH! It's a _truth_ serum, not a _babble constantly_ serum! You won't be able to reveal any more embarrassing secrets if you all just _shut up!"_

"Why? This is fun!" said Hungary. She grinned at Austria and hummed a few bars of "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds".

Austria scowled. "We'll be having a talk about the proper treatment of expensive musical instruments when the meeting's over, madam."

"Ooh, a 'talk' involving Prussia's riding crop?"

"I was thinking the electro- dammit, _stop that!"_

"No, it's _not_ fun! Everyone just stop talking while I try to find the antidote spell!" England opened his briefcase and flicked through his paperwork. "I've got it written down somewhere ... And France, you're buying me a new toothbrush."

Switzerland gave Liechtenstein a funny look. "You tried on my underwear?"

Liechtenstein blushed. "Hungary dared me to do it!"

Canada looked around the room, quietly thanking his lucky stars that nobody had noticed what he had said. Picking up Wendigo Syndrome from some of his human population had _really_ sucked, even if it had given him a reason to be glad for people not noticing him.

"Okay. Here is the antidote spell," said England, holding up a parchment slip and a piece of chalk. "Now I'm going to need to draw some sigils on the wall, and everyone will kindly remain _silent_ while I do so."

England started drawing a pattern on the nearest wall, most of the crowd watching him. Japan looked at his hands and frowned.

"What are you doing?" Taiwan asked him.

"Nothing," said Japan, picking his fingernails. "Just thinking, I ought to have washed my hands after-"

His siblings jumped on him and stuffed his pencil case into his mouth.

"We do NOT want to know! I know far too much about where your hands have been already!" England yelled at him.

Japan spat the pencil case out. "I was _going_ to say after petting Greece's cat! What's wrong with you?"

America blinked at him. "How come you haven't said anything embarrassing? You drank that stuff as well."

Japan smiled enigmatically. "I guess I'm just that well-practiced at suppressing everything."


	6. Fine, Keep Them

**Prompt was for FTM nations. This mental image cropped up in a chat with a friend, and I apologise in advance for inflicting it on you. I mean no disrespect to the actual trans* community, but this was too fun to pass up.**

* * *

Korea checks the label on the package, and is pleasantly surprised to find it's from his brother. He dances for joy. Brother sent him a present! ... Why? It's not his birthday or anything. Oh well, a present's a present.

He takes the package inside, puts it on the kitchen table, and unwraps it. Inside is a bag made of thick clear plastic, containing something squishy and white. It looks like a couple of cupfuls of lard, with something disgusting, somewhere between sponginess and stringiness, floating in it.

"Eww!" he yelps, jumping back reflexively. "What the heck-?"

He notices the card tucked into the wrapping paper, and unfolds it, hoping to find a clue.

_Fine, they're yours. Keep them._  
_-Yao._

* * *

Some weeks later, Yao unwraps his bandages. His chest is scarred worse than ever, but as flat as it always should have been. He runs his hands over his complete lack of breasts, and proudly smiles.


	7. Ending

**Written for the "anything goes" prompt. I sincerely hope the Korean situation ends less violently than this in real life - the NK treaty with the US may or may not be giving hope, though I'm not holding my breath just yet - but this idea popped into my head when I saw the fan theory that nations can't directly harm their own people. Possible if Russia handed the gun over to someone else in the Bloody Sunday strip, and now I wanna write that too ...**

* * *

The Koreas face each other, guns in hand. Both of them are trembling almost too much to hold their weapons. North's pistol barrel rests on her brother's cheekbone. His gun is pressed against her chest.

North speaks first. "If I lose, my country belongs to you, yes? My land, my people, and everything?"

"Depends on the treaty, I think."

"So they would no longer, technically, be my people?"

"Maybe." South wonders where this is going.

"In that case ..." A wicked grin spreads across North's face. "I surrender."

She jumps back, and shoots her own general through the head.


	8. Menage A What?

**Prompt was for South Korea being upset that he was banned from the show and someone comforting him. This doesn't exactly fit the prompt as there's no hurt-comfort, but it already had some nice fills, so I thought they'd be okay with this one too. Not actually a threesome despite the title, it's inspired by the "Gently Caress" storyline in the webcomic "Menage A 3".**

* * *

"Good morning, sir! You are Mr Lee Chin-Hae, yes?"

Mr Lee gaped at the beaming boy on the doorstep. He didn't believe it was him, but it wasn't really possible to mistake him for anyone else; the little face in his hair was a dead giveaway. Jaw hanging open, he nodded.

"And did you or did you not sign the petition to keep me out of the TV show my brother was making?"

"Y-your bro-...?"

"Japan. Did you sign it?" Im Yong-Soo asked, not losing his friendly smile.

"Y-yes," Mr Lee stammered, backing slowly into the house.

"Now now, I'm not going to hurt you. I don't bear a grudge! I wasn't going to be in the show anyway, I refused to appear unless they put North in, and Japan said we'd never get away with that," Yong-Soo continued, suddenly looking serious. "But calling my appearance a crime against your country was uncalled for. Okay, I admit I'm a bit difficult to live with, and maybe I'm not the representative most people would have chosen. But France is openly a paedophile, England is a drunken demon-summoner with no friends, Japan's a shut-in, Russia's a psychopath, Poland's a crossdresser in a country where that's seriously frowned on, the entire damn _show_ was named after 'useless Italy' ... I mean, seriously, man, it's not like it's personal."

Mr Lee spluttered, regaining his composure. "Look, how the hell did you find my address?"

"Uh, hello? I _am_ Korea. I know everyone's address." Yong-Soo shook his head. "And before you bring it up, I know a lot of my people hate Japan. I don't. Nations don't work that way. If we held grudges we'd never get anything done."

"That's cute, but why the hell are you even here?"

"Oh, I just wanted to tell you that your dear widowed lady mother doesn't find me offensive." Yong-Soo smiled innocently, childlike, and reached into his pocket.

"My ...?"

"That's right." Smirking evilly, Yong-Soo pulled a large pair of frilly panties from his pocket and tucked them into the horrified Mr Lee's unresisting hand.


	9. New Pets

**Prompt: "Because of China's financial support in the 2010 Expo, the Seychelles government gave them a pair of Aldabra Tortoises. OP requests something non-romantic, but cute, possibly with some of China's 'big brother'ness coming out."**

* * *

Seychelles was looking healthier lately, the sparkle back in her eyes, her dress freshly washed and ironed rather than rumpled from having fallen asleep over her desk. Her smile was as warm as her weather, and China nodded modestly as she shook his hand.

"No, really, it was nothing."

"It wasn't nothing! You helped me when I really needed it," Seychelles insisted. "So I came over to bring you a present."

"Oh, there was no need for that," China said, then looked up, mischief glittering in his eyes. "What is it?" Seychelles pointed to the pair of large brown lumps that had suddenly taken up residence in China's garden. He stared at them. "You brought me some rocks?"

"They're tortoises!" Seychelles scurried over to the lumps and patted one. "Come on, little guy, say hello!" A wrinkled head emerged from one end of the lump and stared placidly at the two nations. "See? Aren't they sweet?"

China's immediate thought was "no". He liked animals with fur and soft huggable bodies, not great scaly beasts with perpetually sour expressions and rock-hard shells encasing them. Still, he watched the tortoise's head and neck ease out of the shell, and it took a bite of the handful of grass Seychelles offered. She giggled and patted it, and it blinked very slowly and nodded as if thanking her. China smiled and came over to greet the animal himself; he had to admit they did have a certain charm.

* * *

"China? I have some paperwork I need you to si- what the heck?"

"Whee! Go, Lightning!"

Hong Kong stared at the two nations perched atop the huge tortoises, which were lumbering around and around the small garden. Seychelles was bouncing and tapping her mount's shell with her heels, as if it would even notice. China, meanwhile, sat calmly in a perfect lotus position on his tortoise, occasionally reaching down to pet it. He noticed Hong Kong watching him over the fence, and waved.

Hong Kong looked at the tortoises, and imagined he saw a certain confusion in their button-like eyes. He could relate.


End file.
